a conversation between me and my best friend

best friend: 

"Suicide is a way to get rid of the pain. To run away from life and it's responsibilities. But it is not a happy ending. It's a getaway. It's in fact a sad ending. Cause no one is happy about it. Not the person who commit suicide, nor the people who suffer from the death of this person.

So, suicide isn't a happy ending. You will get a happy ending if you fight, and fight. You will always suffer. No matter what you do in life, you'll always suffer, one way or another. You'll be in Pain. You'll have regrets. You'll wish you weren't alive. You'll face bullshit you never imagined you'll face before. You'll even think of giving up some of the days. But, the only way to be happy, is to fight through these things. And think about the time after the pain. The happiness after the sorrow.

That's actually how I get by things I don't want to do. I think about the AFTER, than the DURING"

Me:

"Yes, maybe you're right. But what if you've been facing the bullshit, you're talking about, since the first breathe you took on this earth. What if I tell you you've been fighting all those years, and still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. What if I tell you, that you've been motivating yourself all your life, that one day this is going to come and you will say it's totally worth it and you will also keep telling yourself that you should forget what's happening right now and more think about you laughing, no worries and no problems. Then let me tell you something the more I think if that day me laughing and having those happyful tears in my eyes, the more I feel like this day is fading away. I'm walking this road since years and it seems it's never going to end. And the pain isn't getting any less. And yes maybe you're right about this everyone suffers no matter what they do, and if it's worth it then you'll continue suffering bec you don't care, because you know there's an aim, but where's my aim? Or where's yours? Where's his or hers? And people committ suicide because there's one thing inside them. They give themselved the fault and say it's my fault, I'm the one who is making it so complicated. They don't know that this is the way life rolls. They don't. And there's nobody who's there to prove the opposite, all they want is to kill the inside. They cut, and scream, pull their hair out of their head. They get cold, be mean and pretend that life's a joke, and to be honest, yeah I will admit. I give myself the fault, too. But the difference is that I have reason to live. There reason good enough to keep me alive and survive this bullshit. Reasons that gets me up everytime I'm down. One of the reasons, that's keeping my head high and that's making me believe that I deserve to smile too, is you all three, in this group, so thank you for that."

best friend: 

"You're too young. You're too damn young. Don't get me wrong like I'm disregarding your pain. And I'm not comparing it with others' pain either but, you're just too young to give up. You're too young to say life doesn't have a meaning, and that there isn't a silver lining. I mean, what about the people who die everyday for no reason, they didn't do anything. Didn't commit crimes, they were killed in vain. Even though their ending may seem unhappy, their afterlife is what matters. How do the people who lost their loved ones survive? How do they get through? How did YOU get through Jwan? You probably didn't. Probably never will. But everyone goes through a different fight.This life maybe one with sorrow, and pain, loneliness, and hopelessness, but when you get it right, when you do things right and break all the walls facing you, you'll have a blissful afterlife. The afterlife is immortal. So you will never be upset again. You'll never feel down. Not a single tear will run down your face. THIS is how you know, a happy ending, does exist. I'm with you. Happy endings on this earth, definitely don't exist, even if for us it does, it doesn't for others. But, the true happy ending, is after you face Allah Almighty. He'll give you the BEST ending. Finally, as you said. You have us. Your motivation. Your belief, and hope, in the existence of Happiness. This is how you fight. By tellings us your worries, and inhibitions, and us reminding you that what matters is what's after all of it. And reminding you we love you."

Me: 

"Allah (sb.) Is the only one that's giving me a good enough reason to stay alive. He's the only one I wanna do better for. He's the one I think deserves every tear and every smile. But let me tell you, that He Himself is the main reason why I won't give up, and follow his rules. Yes I broke them and I made a lot of mistakes, but it'll get all better in time. I will do what He expects me to do. And yes, there a lot of people dying without any reason and I feel sorry, not for them, but for their parents. Yes, they lost life but they'll get infinitve happiness, and their parents stay in worries. I feel sorry for those who kill themselves, and also for theit parents but the person who made that awful desicion the most. Wanna know the reason? Because they already suffered so much, thinking they're all alone on this earth. They're scared to trust people. They have to hide themselves, they push people away because they think thats the only thing they're good at. They cut. They cut so much. And they're happy watching the blood flow down their arms or wrists or legs. And then they regret cutting but they continue because they think that's the only thing they deserve it. It's addiction. They do it whenever they have the chance. They go deeper and deeper, and after a couple of months they go over the scars ,that is left after those nights, with their fingertips, so soft. They remember the look they gave themselves looking in the mirror, watching the arm bleeding the tears falling, looking like a mentally disabled girl or boy. And they're not crazy. People call them so, but trust me they're not and the only thing they want is people to understand, but people never will, because they don't know how it feels. They have never felt the feeling pressing your face against the pillow, crying and not being able to breathe just so that nobody hears you breaking down, because at the end even your family is yout enemy and no matter how hard you try to explain they won't understand. They will think you're crazy and need a doctor, as my parents thought of me. I know too well, how suicidal person really feel. They seem mean from the outside, cold and alone, but in the inside all they want is a friend. A friend to help them. A friend that will hug them. A friend that will let you cry. A friend who is just there caring enough and not saying a word. A person that will just sit down and tell you to start. You will start screaming, he will listen carefully. You will cry and between those tears, you are gonna laugh, you will be mad and show him how disappointed you are from yourself. You'll show all your emotions and he will be there and prove you you're not crazy. He will understand he will let you, let it all out. But there's no person on this earth who would help you. Yes there are persons who want to help you and get you up but they don't know how. And by trying to help they make it worse, worse than before. So you start believing theres no single person who could help you. You start pushing, pushing away all the people. You want all the people to be gone even though you won't love the result of being lonely. And after pushing all the people there's only you. An empty world. The streets are empty, you're empty, and you them decide which people really tried to help you, you write a letter to those persons trying to convince them its not their fault. You write it, but throw it away. Suicidal people are never 100% sure about something. Never. They're never able to make desicions. After alot of attempts to write a proper letter, you decide, just to let it out. You won't convince them, no you'll say what you needed and ask them why they were never. You will think that it is funny that you only reach the people when you're completely gone. Then after that you decide how to do it. Painful or fast without any suffering. You convince yourself that you deserve more pain than you already in, but you want it fast so people can't find you and save you. And one last thing sarah, I didn't say I'm down or suicidal, or sad or mad. I'm all fine, and alright. I was talking for other people. Not about myself."

best friend: 

"This is actually all so true, it's like you actually went through these feelings and felt each one of them thoroughly. Like you just explained everything in absolute detail. The whole process of suicide, and what is before it. All the thoughts that run through one's head before he decides to commit suicide."

Me:

Me? Hahaha are you serious? No way hahah lmao 

here we go again

Sie fallen. So viele. Ich zähle nicht mit. Sind zu viele um mit zu zählen. Kopf kissen ist voll. Hör mir ein lied, dass meine tränen nicht weniger macht. Ich bin müde. Ich möchte dass du deine dreckigen händen nimmst, und mich erwürgst. Bitte. Töte mich. Du bist doch besser drauf ohne mich. Und sie ist im hintergrund und sagt nichts. Sie schaut mich an. Dieser blick den sie mir gegeben hat. Er ist unerträglich. Ich weine. Immernoch. Der Blick als würde sie mir helfen wollen, aber warum hat sie es nicht getan? Warum? WARUM? Meine tränen. Über meine Wangen, die tastertur ist plitsch-nass. Alle beide denken dass es nicht weh tut, dass ich nicht danach nächte-lang weinen werde. Ich heule. Zu stark heul ich. Wie ein kleines kind wein ich. Wie ein kleines kind dass ihren ersten Zahn gezogen bekommen hat. Der Unterschied? Mein Schmerz ist intensiver, und stärker. Das Lied ist fertig. Ich hör jetzt nur noch mein schnaufen nach jeder träne. Ich wechsel das lied. Nach einer stunde, sie kommt rein. Sie ist als erstes schockiert, ich seh es vom augenwinkel. Meine Mascara ist anscheinend ausgelaufen. Habe rot geschwollen augen. Klar, was erwartet man vom Schmerz eines frisch gezogenem Zahnes. Sie versucht mich zum lachen zu bringen, und sie schafft es. Aber dann kommt wieder die Wut. Ich fragte sie warum sie nur zuschaute und nichts getan hat? Sie nimmt einen Fluchtweg und sagt dass sie mit dir geredet hätte, aber was hat es mir geholfen? Nachdem du es getan hast, was bringt es mir dann noch? Ich fragte sie, warum sie erst nachdem Geschehen eingriff? Sie antwortete nichts. Und ich konnte wieder vom augenwinkel die enttäuschung in ihren augen sehen. Nein, sie läuft aus dem Zimmer. Jeder Schritt den sie läuft sticht mir ins Herz. Bitte geh nicht aus meinem Zimmer, Mutter. Ich meinte es nicht so! Komm zurück und gib mir eine umarmung und alles wird gut. Das sagtest du doch früher als ich klein war, erinnerst du dich? Tust du es nicht? Ich möchte nicht aus meinem Zimmer, ich möchte dass sie wieder kommt. Ich meine es nicht so. Komm zurück, die Wut hat mich kontrolliert. Diese Wut schlummerte seit Tagen in mir, ich hab es an dir rausgelassen, bitte komm zurück. Ich weine. Ich halte mein Atem ein, um niemanden wissen zu lassen, dass mir tränen über die backen rollen. Ich werde jetzt hier schluss machen, das lied kommt zum Ende, und ich sollte es auch langsam tun, good night.

ps. I am not the strong girl, today.

be my friend

zu viele dinge. Zu viele dinge werden gebraucht. Gebraucht von leuten, obs jetzt geld, essen oder sonstiges materielles ist. Wenns zu gefühle kommt, dann kann ich nicht urteilen. Aber wisst ihr? Wisst ihr was ich brauche? Nein? Hm. Wollt ihr`s wissen? Habt ihr echt drauf lust die nächste langweilige story von mir zu hören? Na dann. Ich brauch ein freund. Ich brauch es zu sehr. Ich habe zwar die besten freunde der welt, und ich sollte mich denen öffnen, aber ich kann es nicht. Ich brauche eine person. Eine person. Nur eine einzige, die sich vor mir setzt, und mir zuhört. Ich will weder ein "hör auf zu weinen" hören, noch mich mit einer umarmung zu beruhigen. Ich will eine person die vor mir sitzt, ich will meine ganzen emotionen zeigen. Ich möchte laut weinen, dann darauf hin vielleicht lachen. Ich möchte schreien, ich möchte wütend sein, ich möchte dass diese person so gut hinhört, mir zeigt dass es ihr wichtig ist meine emotionen einen freien lauf zu lassen. Andern falls.. würde ich jede einzelne träne die mir runter fliesst, in meine trockene haut rein schneiden. Diese tränen halten all diese emotionen zurück, und ich könnte stunden weinen, weil ich einfach zu viele emotionen in mir habe. Bedürftig. Ja das bin ich. Ich bin bedürftig. Lös mich. Bitte. Lös mich von all diesen monstern, und am wichtigsten ist den monster in mir, genau von diesem monster sollst du mich erlösen. Gnade. Ich kenne keine gnade, weil das monster in mir keines kennt. Ich habe zwar gnade mit den leuten da draußen aber wenns zu mir kommst, habe ich keine gnade. Ich bin kalt. Ich habe eine kalte seele. Zu kalt. Ich schneide. Blut. Blut überall. Übers waschbecken. Über meine hose, und es fließt. Es hört nicht auf. Es fließt runter zu meinem ellbogen. Sei mein freund, sei diese person die mich dazu bringt an mich selbst zu glauben. Ich brauche nur einen kleinen "push". Eine winzige motivation. SO klein. Aber doch SO groß für mich. Ich bin so kurz davor alles auf zu geben, ich bin so nah dran alles zu verlieren. Ich bin ein Suizid-fall, und keiner will das ernst nehmen, aber bald werde euch beweisen, es ist kein scherz. Dann werdet ihr es alles bereuen. Es tut so weh zu wissen dass ich euch erst dann erreiche, wenn ich dann fürimmer fort bin! Aber warum? Ich brauche hilfe. Nicht professionelle hilfe, sondern hilfe von einer X-beliebigen person, die sich aber kümmern sollte. Ich vermisse mein lachen, ich vermisse über meine backen zu gehen, ohne dass meine finger nass werden. Ich will das monster weg haben, hilf mir.

p.s every cut, is getting deeper, because the tears are getting more.